she was always a great mom, until one day... she just wasn't.

I've heard the expression, "feels like my heart was ripped out..." or about how it feels like theres a gaping hole where my heart used to be... but for me, i don't feel that at all.
i absolutely feel my heart.
i feel every aching beat of it every second of every day.
its ALL i feel.
if anything, it feels like all the rest of my insides were ripped out, with ONLY my heart left in its place, to echo off the empty walls of my hallow insides.  i feel it.

it wheezes down in my stomach, and pounds in my head.
i feel it.
i feel it all.

because of your sin.
your sin you're absolutely devoured by.
 how did it come to this?
how did you come to this.

Malachi 2:16-17
"For the Lord God of Israel says that He HATES divorce.  For it covers ones garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts.  Therefore take heed to your spirit that you do not deal treacherously. (mom) you have wearied the Lord with your words.  Yet you say, "in what way have i wearied Him?" In that you say everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the Lord, and that He delights in them."

do a miracle in her heart Lord.
its the only way.

7.7

i blame starbucks.

and ivan.

and work, and skool.

for my laziness, or...

ineptitude

to actually write something on here.

its been a while.

but here i am, and here we go.

i serve a great God.

and i have a very... large husband.

no, hes not burly, husky, or even big boned.

but he has huge charisma.

great character, monstrous personality, colossal humor,

and huge faith.

all of which i, obscurely possess.

to say the least.

and this all makes me feel small.

real small.

he always seems to know just how to bring up issues,

or the words to say to actually get to talk to kids,

right when he needs to.

he knows how to cause every parent he's ever met to fall in love with him,

and every joke he's ever told to hold a rapturous, delighted laughter closely following.

and while i'm ripping my hair out and begging him to get a 2nd job, he has the kind of faith that believes that, though we make 200 dollars less than what is owed to be able to buy food this month, we wont go hungry.

and well, we still haven't.

oh, and he plays music, too.

all the people i've talked to about the Lord in my life

probably wouldn't even come close to what he does on a monthly basis.

and this makes me feel useless,

that my strivings are trivial,

and completely unimportant to the working of the kingdom of God.

i hate utah.

i hate the school i go to,

and i hate the weather.

i hate how i have to work 2 jobs,

and i hate that i still cant afford new shoes.

i hate how the majority of my friends live a minimum of 5 hours away,

and i hate that they're moving on

i hate that i am too.

i hate that i don't live in portland,

i hate that i'm not in my supposed best friends wedding,

and i hate that all my friends here are a part of a cult.

i hate that my family thinks my ideas and schooling is irrelevant

i hate that ivan lost my camera in thailand.

oh yeah, and i hate that i wasn't able to go to thailand.

i hate that my car doesn't start right away,

and i hate that ina has ivan's car.

i hate how my knee hurts when it rains,

and i hate how i never have time to longboard anymore.

i hate that the ocean is 7 hours away,

and i hate that i'm still riding my dad's mountain bike.

i hate that i get nervous when talking in front of people,

and i hate my singing voice.

i hate how my hips are abnormally large,

and i hate how my head is obscurely small.

i hate that i dont own a dog,

and i hate that i never get to read.

i hate that i'm banned from hitchhiking,

i hate that i'm diabetic,

and i hate that my hair never grows.

i hate utah.

and everything about it.

yet as for now, i wouldn't change a thing.

not one.

because this is where, this is how, the Lord has me.

and actually, it's not really all that bad.

i've actually started to love it, a little bit at least.

-but don't tell anyone.

i've heard it said, but when the Lord actually does change the desires of your heart,

it's... weird.

and slow coming, and unexpected.

and absolutely wonderful.

when i do see the small circle of coworkers, friends, and jr highers lives that i can,

and HAVE, been able to be a part of, i am so completely thankful.

every carly, benja, ivan, geri, marissa and kaelynn's life i'm able to try and point to the Lord is incomprehensibly precious to my God.

thank you Lord for DESIRING to use this hideous instrument for such a beautiful purpose.

thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. thank you for keeping me here.

He reminds me that even though i've been appointed this small roll,

the part i do play has eternal rewards

and the cast would be short without me.

here i am Lord, use me, send me.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His Righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you..."

-Matt. 6:33

4.16

sooo much has happened.

including me getting married and all.

which by the way, is awesome. :]

starting college,

moving,

twice.

and so much more.

but they'll be plenty of time to talk about all that later,

all i wanted to do now is upload a paper i wrote for my english class,

so it wouldn't get lost in craziness of life.

and because it was an awesome sharing opportunity with my teacher. :]

anyways. enjoy.

Validity of the Bible

Who is Jesus? If you ask ten different people, it is highly plausible that you will receive ten different answers. Among differing religions there is an idea of who Jesus is, even when those ideas contradict one another’s. But who the Bible says He is, is God in the flesh (John 1:1, 1:14) who loved the world so much He came to save it by His death and resurrection. And through that, and believing in Him, we could receive eternal life. There is nothing we can do to deserve that reward of life after death, opposed to deserved eternal punishment—no good work, or right moral character that could give us an entrance to heaven, only by the payment He has already compensated on the cross in our place for our sin. (John 3:16) Jesus Himself even claimed to be God. (Luke 5, Mark 12) But what do all these claims, and descriptions of who Jesus is matter if there is no proof for the validity of the Bible? These assertions are then reduced to fairytales, and a good moral standard to be followed. But it does not end there with mere high hopes of the contrary; for there is proof, and evidence for the authority, legitimacy, and validity of the Bible being internally consistent, historically, scientifically, and prophetically exact.

Many believe the writings of the Bible to contradict itself, and that the stories and writings have been changed from when they were originally written. But the contrary can actually be proven. From Genesis to Revelation, the entire book is consistent. As Charlie Campbell put it,

Now you might think that that fact alone does not prove the divine origin of the Book, plenty of books are internally consistent. And while that is true, some specific things that should be considered with that last statement in mind, is how there are 66 different documents; 39 books in the Old Testament, and 27 in the New. And among those 66 different books, they were written by about 40 different authors, from different educational and cultural backgrounds, in 3 different languages, over a period of 1,500 plus years, covering 60 plus generations.

So these authors were separated by years and years of time, by hundreds of miles, and yet, with all of these factors included, we still find the Bible to be absolutely, unswervingly, consistent.

Some, including the Mormons and Muslims, believe that the Bible has undergone changes throughout the years as it was copied and translated from language to language. [Facts as specified by Charlie Campbell] Yet, today there are still more that 25,000 partial and complete handwritten manuscripts of the New Testament alone, then, on top of that, hundreds of Old Testament manuscripts that date back to the 3^rd century B.C. One can physically view these manuscripts personally at the British Museum, the Smithsonian Institute, Oxford University, and the National Library at Paris, just to name a few. These documents allow scholars, and critics, to go back and verify that the translated version we have of the Bible today, is exactly the same as the one the church had over 2,000 years ago.

One of the specific apparent contradictions often brought up in criticism of the Bible, is the location of Jesus when He healed a blind man. Luke 18 says Jesus healed this blind man as He was entering, or coming near Jericho, while Mark 10 says that Jesus healed this blind man as He was going out of Jericho. And so, the critics state how either Luke or Mark made a mistake, which would make the Bible not consistent, which would mean it couldn’t possibly be divinely inspired. Which would seem the case. Until you see that a German archaeologist, Ernest Selling, while excavating in Israel from 1907-09, discovered that “there were the “twin-cities” of Jericho in Jesus’ time; the old city of Jericho, and the new Roman city of Jericho about a mile away.” Obviously, Luke was referring to one of the cities while Mark to the other. Like this seemingly conflicting passage, it can be guaranteed that there is a logical explanation for all supposed inconsistencies. If merely searched out more in-depth, you could be assured to find the absolute harmony of the Book as a whole.

As we have looked at the discovery of the twin cities, to move onto our next evidence to be examined in checking the validity of the Bible--archeology. As widely stated, archaeology could not prove the divine inspiration of the Bible, but it can help build a case for the reliability of it historically. Over the last, almost 200 years, every time the Bible has been checked out archaeologically, it has been found 100% accurate. This has only helped in verifying the precise factualness of the Bible’s records of events, customs and locations. One of the world’s greatest archaeologists, Nelson Glueck, said, “No archeological discovery has ever [overturned] a Biblical reference. Scores of archeological findings have been made which confirm in clear outline or in exact detail historical statements in the Bible. And, by the same token, proper evaluation of Biblical descriptions has often led to amazing discoveries.” Some of those specific, tangible items to be found that have helped establish the validity of the Bible, are the ruins of the pool of Siloam, evidence for an Erastus in Corinth, and Pontius Pilate.

The third evidence to be looked at for the credibility of the Bible, is how it was never written or intended to be seen as a scientific book, yet all of its statements regarding any kind of ‘science’ have never been found to contain any scientific errors. Not only is it correct in all its ancient, scientific proclamations, but it also states many accurate scientific facts about the universe thousands of years before our modern scientists even discovered them. Some examples of that are the sun. The Bible teaches in Psalm 19:6 how it is actually on a circuit throughout space. And also, the shape of the earth- when the rest of the world thought the earth was flat, Isaiah (in chapter 40:22) affirmed that it was in fact round. There is absolutely no way these men could have positively known these things, especially when the rest of the world was declaring otherwise, apart from divine inspiration. Again, helping build the case for the authority, legitimacy, and validity of the Bible.

The final idea to be looked at in checking the legitimacy of the Bible is its fulfilled prophecy. There are, as of today, a total of 26 religious books people believe to be divinely inspired. The Vedas, the Qur’an, the Book of Mormon, just to name a few. Of these books not a single one contains any specific fulfilled prophecies… except the Bible, which is filled with hundreds of specific, detailed prophecies written hundreds of years before they were fulfilled. The Old Testament prophesied of specific details of the Messiah’s ancestry, that He’d be born of the seed of Abraham, (Gen 12 & 22) of the tribe of Judah, (Gen. 49) and of the house of David. (2 Sam. 7) It told of the city where He would be born, (Micah 5) and that He would come while the temple was standing, (Malachi 3) The Old Testament also foretold the exact time in history when He would die, in Daniel 9:24-26, which was fulfilled to the precise year. And many more prophecies, hundreds of which have been literally fulfilled. Now it is always a question if Christians inserted those prophecies back into the Old Testament after Jesus lived. But we can phlegmatically know that to be false by the existence today of hundreds of manuscript copies of the Old Testament that predate the time of Christ’s birth. These copies verify that the prophecies about the Messiah were already in place, even during the 3^rd century B.C. As told by the Smithsonian Magazine,

In 1947 a shepherd boy in Qumran, northwest of the Dead Sea in Israel, made an amazing discovery. In a hillside cave that had laid untouched for nearly 2000 years, he found an ancient collection of hand written copies of the Old Testament. These scrolls and writings, now known as the Dead Sea Scrolls, represented every book of the Old Testament except the book of Esther…

Teams of scholars determined the scrolls age, which indeed date back up to 100 B.C. This proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Old Testament and its prophecies about the Messiah were completed before Jesus was ever born.

As we see this evidence for the Bible, then that means who the Bible says Jesus is, is true. And anything that says contrary cannot be. If your beliefs are based off of only feelings, and no facts, I would urge you to reconsider, and take a deeper look into the validity, and value of that belief. In all my searching, the Bible has been the only book, religion, and relationship that can quench my questioning heart with logical, realistic, reasonable, authoritative, and valid answers. If this paper has not convinced that the Bible can be taken as fact, through looking at the evidence for proving the truth of the Bible through the manuscripts, archeology, science, and prophecy, what are you going to do to be assured of your stance on the matter, one way or the other? Even if you do not agree with, what there is sufficient proof to be assuredly convinced of, I think it is dire to find out what it is you believe. And when you do start to search, it can be guaranteed that you will not find any kind of proof like there is for the legitimacy of the Bible.

7.8 [day 93]

93 days

93 days until i marry the man i love.

93 days until we get a joint bank account.

93 days until my last name becomes his.

93 days until the next step in life begins.

in 93 days i officially get to spend the rest of my life next to my best friends.

94 days until we leave for cabo

93 days until i'm never to be known as a 'single' again.

93 days until my dad walks me down the aisle,

and 93 days until our first dance as a married couple together.

93 days

seems so far away.

92 days, 22 hours, and 9 minutes until the wedding begins.

93 days until he can put those wedding bands on my finger.

1.5 hours until we begin our pre-marriage counseling together.

101 days until i make our first home-cooked, as a family, meal.

[hopefully] 9 days until we send out invites

5 hours and we register

93 days until we get to see all this hard work finished!

93 days and i will be an;

employee.

Christian.

sunday school teacher.

hostess.

photographer.

lover.

hippie.

musician.

talker.

laugher.

daughter.

traveler.

graduate.

skater.

diabetic.

sister.

youth leader.

his helpmate, and wife.

i cant wait for these 93 days to fly by.

:]

engage

well, it's true.

IVAN AND I ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

i think i'm still a bit in shock, and don't fully realize its me i'm talking about here. but oh, how sweet this love is.

:]

the way ivan first told me he had feelings for me, was by making me listen to an anberlin song called 'inevitable,' which says;

"I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have (that you'll ever have)
I wanna be your last, first love (that you'll ever have)
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss... for all time..."

and he proceeded to tell me how he didn't want to kiss until we were engaged. it just being a commitment he had made to the Lord.

our first official date was on 8.08.08

on this date, he brought me a dozen roses, but said i could only pick one. the BEST rose, and keep that one. while he got to keep the other 11 until we were married.

he proposed on 2.22.10

i had gotten off from work early, and was talking to ivan on the phone as i drove to kays to drop off an old ring my mom had, and was letting us trade in to help pay for some of my ring.

when i was there, jenna, the lady that had been helping us, asked if i was engaged yet. i said "no... not yet." and she said, "well, hopefully by the next time i see you you'll have a little something something on that finger."

and then i went home and got engaged. :]

so i walked in, all tired, hungry, and just gross, from getting off work, and my dad was home, and my mom was preparing to make dinner. which i thought was a bit odd, it being only 4:30. but i didnt think twice about it.

my mom came upstairs with me, and was sitting on my window seat as i started to pick up my pajamas from the night before that had just been strewn on the floor. she thought that i was picking them up to put them on, and started to get a bit stressed, she later told me. so she said, "before you do that... can you come tell me if you have this picture in the game room?" i didn't really understand what she was talking about, but whatever. my dad had just walked upstairs to bring my mom something, and aimlessly, or seemingly so, followed us into the game room. they flipped on the lights, and i saw ivan sitting in the corner with his guitar, a barstool for me, and a table in the middle of the room with juice, crackers, chocolate and strawberries on it.

and then i knew.

he bid me to come take a seat, and as i did he started to play the city and colour song 'the girl' with some of his own verses, as my parents were walking back and forth around with their cameras snapping away.

so ivan's song went;

"i wish i could do better by you, cuz thats what you deserve.

you sacrifice so much of your life, in order for this to work.

while i'm out chasing my own dreams, sailing around the world,

please know that i'm yours to keep- my beautiful girl.

when you cry a piece of my heart dies, knowing that i may have been the cause.

if you were to leave, fulfill someone else's dreams, i think that i may totally be lost.

while i'm out chasing my own dreams, sailing around the world, please know that i'm yours to keep, my beautiful girl.

woooo la....

in photographs your beauty a stark contrast, to see you with these eyes of mine.

when you smile it makes my heart fly, knowing you'll be right by my side.

you're the best friend i've ever had, i cant bear to be apart, please know that i'm yours to keep, my beautiful girl.

you're the best friend i've ever had, i cant bear to be apart,

oh baby please take this ring, will you please be my wife?"

then he put down his guitar, got down on both knees, not just one, and asked "will you marry me?"

giving me the most beautiful engagement ring from kays, whose slogan ironically happens to be 'every kiss begins with kay.'

i said yes, obviously. we hugged, my parents put down their cameras, and we went to the middle of the room, and prayed, and did communion together. when my dad prayed for us... THEN i cried. but only a little bit. :] i just felt so happy, and blessed to have the greatest boyfriend- now fiance, and parents.

my parents left, ivan dimmed the lights, gave me the 11 roses from our first date as he played 'inevitable,' and we danced together.

and now we're planning on getting married on 10.09.10 most likely in san diego. not 10.10.10 only because it's a sunday, and we think sat. would just be easier.

the hardest thing, even BEGINNING to prepare for a wedding has been having to narrow down my bridesmaids! dang. i just want to have 12! i love my girls so much. this will be hard.

i've avoided living in st. george at all costs.

but... i kinda fell in love.

and NOW am planning on living here.

indefinitely, at that.

and i couldn't be happier, or imagine myself anywhere else but by his side, serving the Lord, here in utah.

it is only God's love that unites us, is worth living for, and is the definition of what LOVE truly is.

1 john 4:7-19

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us."

well, i guess it's time to go start planning a wedding.

:]