7.7

i blame starbucks.

and ivan.

and work, and skool.

for my laziness, or...

ineptitude

to actually write something on here.

its been a while.

but here i am, and here we go.

i serve a great God.

and i have a very... large husband.

no, hes not burly, husky, or even big boned.

but he has huge charisma.

great character, monstrous personality, colossal humor,

and huge faith.

all of which i, obscurely possess.

to say the least.

and this all makes me feel small.

real small.

he always seems to know just how to bring up issues,

or the words to say to actually get to talk to kids,

right when he needs to.

he knows how to cause every parent he's ever met to fall in love with him,

and every joke he's ever told to hold a rapturous, delighted laughter closely following.

and while i'm ripping my hair out and begging him to get a 2nd job, he has the kind of faith that believes that, though we make 200 dollars less than what is owed to be able to buy food this month, we wont go hungry.

and well, we still haven't.

oh, and he plays music, too.

all the people i've talked to about the Lord in my life

probably wouldn't even come close to what he does on a monthly basis.

and this makes me feel useless,

that my strivings are trivial,

and completely unimportant to the working of the kingdom of God.

i hate utah.

i hate the school i go to,

and i hate the weather.

i hate how i have to work 2 jobs,

and i hate that i still cant afford new shoes.

i hate how the majority of my friends live a minimum of 5 hours away,

and i hate that they're moving on

i hate that i am too.

i hate that i don't live in portland,

i hate that i'm not in my supposed best friends wedding,

and i hate that all my friends here are a part of a cult.

i hate that my family thinks my ideas and schooling is irrelevant

i hate that ivan lost my camera in thailand.

oh yeah, and i hate that i wasn't able to go to thailand.

i hate that my car doesn't start right away,

and i hate that ina has ivan's car.

i hate how my knee hurts when it rains,

and i hate how i never have time to longboard anymore.

i hate that the ocean is 7 hours away,

and i hate that i'm still riding my dad's mountain bike.

i hate that i get nervous when talking in front of people,

and i hate my singing voice.

i hate how my hips are abnormally large,

and i hate how my head is obscurely small.

i hate that i dont own a dog,

and i hate that i never get to read.

i hate that i'm banned from hitchhiking,

i hate that i'm diabetic,

and i hate that my hair never grows.

i hate utah.

and everything about it.

yet as for now, i wouldn't change a thing.

not one.

because this is where, this is how, the Lord has me.

and actually, it's not really all that bad.

i've actually started to love it, a little bit at least.

-but don't tell anyone.

i've heard it said, but when the Lord actually does change the desires of your heart,

it's... weird.

and slow coming, and unexpected.

and absolutely wonderful.

when i do see the small circle of coworkers, friends, and jr highers lives that i can,

and HAVE, been able to be a part of, i am so completely thankful.

every carly, benja, ivan, geri, marissa and kaelynn's life i'm able to try and point to the Lord is incomprehensibly precious to my God.

thank you Lord for DESIRING to use this hideous instrument for such a beautiful purpose.

thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. thank you for keeping me here.

He reminds me that even though i've been appointed this small roll,

the part i do play has eternal rewards

and the cast would be short without me.

here i am Lord, use me, send me.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His Righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you..."

-Matt. 6:33